Goodbye, 2007, and up yours. I’m over you.
Hello 2008….
November 11, 2007
Honestly, I have no idea if I’ll end up publishing this post or not. Seeing as how I “broke up” with my blog nearly six months, it’s a little awkward to just start writing again in true Jessi fashion…
I had a pretty stark realization Friday morning. I was with my students at Club 121, and our agenda for the morning was to spend time praying together. We sat in a circle in a dimly lit room, and together entered the throne room. As the students were praying, I began to ask God to reveal things to me. I’ve been at a… disconnect with myself for quite sometime, and a few weeks ago, I finally made the decision to begin fighting for my spirit. Things have come up, closets opened, my heart laid bare, and the other night I began to realize that I was sad- just sad. And I didn’t fully know why. I’ve been trying to be nakedly honest with God in all this- no more pretending, because that doesn’t get either of us anywhere. So I told him I was sad. And I told him again at Club that I’m just sad. And I don’t know what to do with it. For the first time in a long time, I heard a response. The still, small voice said, “You’re mourning the death of your expectations…”
I don’t remember the last time a word “stopped me in my tracks” like this. I had no idea- no idea that this is what’s been underlying for such a long time. Here I am, sad in my selfishness, because the expectations that I had for myself haven’t been met. And that’s not a bad thing- it’s just the truth. I have a good life- a great life, and I really mean that- but I had ideas, plans, hopes… and for the most part, those have gone unmet, unrealized. I didn’t see that my spirit has been mourning them, refusing to allow them to die so that new ideas, plans, and hopes can be built and realized. And this morning, it hit- I need to mourn the death of my expectations to allow myself to fully engage in what the Lord wants to do now.
So, I will be sad, I will mourn, but I will survive. One of the biggest things that I have learned in life is that we have to go through the winter, allowing things to die, so that we can more fully experience the rebirth of spring. So I will go through the winter in expectation that the Lord has great plans for the spring.
It’s good to know I serve the God of life abundant…
May 22, 2007
Dear Blog,
If we’re being honest with each other, we know this has been a long time coming. It’s not you- it’s me. Quite frankly, I just can’t keep up with your demands, and I feel like I’m disappointing everyone in our lives. At first, everthing was so new, so exciting, and I loved spending time with you. But things have changed for me. I know you’ve stayed the same, patiently waiting for me to pay attention to you and being loyal, but I just can’t do it anymore. I mean, I love you, but I’m not IN love with you. We can still be friends, but the truth is, I can’t maintain the commitment level we had at the beginning of our relationship. I hope you won’t shut down on me after all we’ve been through, and we can still see each other occasionally. I think we both need some time apart, so I’m going to take a trip to give us both some recovery time. So, thanks for always being so great. I’ll miss you from time to time, but I know we’ll meet again.
Sincerely,
Jessi
April 17, 2007
Yes, I’m aware that I suck at blogging lately, but give me two weeks. Then my first semester of grad school is over and I’ll have a life for a month and I’ll be able to entertain your reading eyes again. But don’t get used to it. Because I do have to go back to school the beginning of June…
ANYWAY- I’m watching TV, and a commercial comes on and the spokesperson declares the product to be “more fun that you can shake a stick at.”
Can anyone explain what the crap that means?…
April 6, 2007
Well, kids, it’s official. I done got me a job!!! I found out yesterday that I’m the newest member of the special education department at LSHS. Too cool! They interviewed 3 people for the position- 2 were teachers wanting transfers from other buildings in the district- and I’m the one they picked. I can’t even tell you what I was thinking when the head of human resources called to offer me the job… 3 years, 3 long years of seeking out what was next, what the Lord had in store, where I’d be going. And now… I’m a teacher! It’s going to pretty much rock, and I can’t wait!
Soooo, I just thought you might all like to know how great I am… Feel free to praise me now. 😉
March 19, 2007
random lady to an employee in the shoe section of Nordstroms- “Excuse me, are these the croc flip flops?”
employee- “Yes, maam.”
random lady- “Now, are these one size fits all?…”
huh? as my mom stated, yes- you put them in hot water and they shrink, or you put them in cold water and they expand… who asks a question like that?
March 13, 2007
Beautiful 70 degree day? Check.
Professor dismissing class at 5:00 pm instead of 7:15 pm? Check.
Lots of energy to burn? Check.
Running for the first time of the season? Check.
Loving every minute of it? Check.
🙂 I love spring!
March 12, 2007
In August last year, I attended the pilgrimage with my church, Jacob’s Well. It was a time and place set aside for us to seek the Lord, both individually and corporately. In the month leading up to it, I was so excited to go. I even postponed my Korea trip so that I could attend. Then, a few days before, I started dreading it. I absolutely didn’t want to go. I guess I knew I had some things that needed to be dealt with, even though I didn’t know what they were, and I knew it would be hard. And I was right. At the end, during the closing service, I stood up and shared, through tears, what the Lord was doing. For a long time, I had been “maintaining” the tower that I’d built called my life. I had been filling in cracks that showed up, pulling up weeds, putting things back where I thought they belonged when they fell… And I realized that weekend that the Lord was calling me to step away from the tower and into His arms where we would watch the tower that I had built with my own hands crumble into the pile of rubble that it should be. And we would then start again, only this time, He would be the builder. At that point, all I could do was stand in His arms, look at the destruction, and cry.
Then I left for Korea. Then I came home and had a bunch of photography things to take care of. Then I started teaching. Then my cousin died. Then I enrolled in masters classes. Then D-Now season with No Longer Quiet started again. And then came March 10th…
I spent the weekend in Jefferson City at a D-Now, leading an amazing group of 10th grade girls. The theme was “Gimme God” and we talked about what it means to stop trying to run from God and what it looks like to trust Him. Saturday night, I gave my testimony of the last few months and the things I’ve been going through with Abbie’s death. I talked about how after her accident, I wanted nothing more than to flip God the bird and tell Him that I wasn’t interested anymore, but how He was so patient, so faithful. I read Psalm 73:26- My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. And I told them the truth- we will fail, but God will be our strength. I shared my story because someone there really needed to hear it. And again, I shared through tears. Only this time, the tears didn’t stop.
After the service, I sat and talked with Melissa and Chris, and fought. I fought the tears. I fought the exhaustion. I fought the emotions that were desperate to be released. I fought allowing myself to feel what I’ve needed to feel for 7 months. I kept saying, “I don’t want to do this!”
Then I quit fighting. I let the things that I didn’t even realize were inside out. I finally gave up, and I realized that for 7 months, I’ve been standing among the rubble with the pieces still in my hands, scared to walk away. When Melissa asked me what I felt like God was asking me to move towards, I realized that I didn’t know, which is why it seemed easier to just stay where I was, holding onto what no longer existed, but what I had known for so long to be. Turns out it’s not easier after all.
Now it’s time for the journey to begin to a new land with a new Builder. I still don’t know where we’re going, and I still don’t know what He’ll build, but I know that now, at least I can turn away from the pieces and begin to walk. It may be a slow journey in the beginning, but my traveling partner has all the patience in the world…
March 8, 2007
AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
– – – –
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you f **king kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s** t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Dear Wendi,
Thank you for saying what women everywhere are thinking. You’re my new hero.
Sincerely,
Jessi
March 4, 2007
I fear that I have failed my readers. I, in fact, have not been blogalicious. What is blogalicious, you might ask? Well, blogalicious def, blogalicious def, blogalicious def, blogalicious, definition- make them readers go loco. They want my treasures, so they get their pleasures from looking at my blog-o…
Whoa. Something tells me I just took a turn for the horrible.
Allow me to ‘splain my absence. I have no life. I wake up way too frickin’ early. Then I go to school and teach. Then I leave school to go to school and get taught. Then I go home. Then I eat dinner, I make lunch, I wash my face, I go to bed. Repeat cycle until I want to rip my own arm off so that I’ll have an excuse to be stationary for more than 5 minutes. Drastic measures? Yes. But if spring break weren’t in two weeks, it might be necessary here soon. I can say with confidence that in the fall semester, I will not be enrolling in 9 hours at UMKC. I will take my 6 hours, and I will enjoy rediscovering what life is. Besides, that’d be WAAAAAY too much in combination with my first year of teaching. That’s right- there’s about a 99.99% chance that I will have full time employment in August. CRAZY!!!! I was telling a friend of mine that I’ve now been unsecurely employed longer than I was securely employed. I’m pretty sure that secure employment for me is going to cause some sort of black hole to rip open in the universe, so be prepared, people. I don’t think it’s going to cause the earth to explode, but we might experience a world-wide blackout. Make sure your flashlights have batteries.
Today is my mama’s birthday. Happy birthday, mama. She’s really young now. Today is also my beautiful fantastic cousin Sarah’s birthday. She’s really old now. 16. And she’s going to get her license tomorrow. Scary. I told her to make sure she goes at least 10 MPH over the speed limit during her test because they really liked that. I’m hoping she doesn’t take me serious. Tomorrow is Abbie’s birthday… she would have been 18. I still can’t really believe she’s gone. I remember being at the hospital the day she was born, angry at the baby down the hall who wouldn’t stop screaming because I couldn’t hear my cousin. Turns out it was her. I held her when she was like an hour old. 18 years ago. And now…. something tells me tomorrow will not be an easy day. Just when you think you’re done with the tears…
I didn’t grade the college prep quizzes I was supposed to this weekend. And I don’t care. At all. When they whine at me tomorrow, I’m going to tell them that they’ll get their quizzes when I’m good and ready to give them back. And if they’ve got a problem with it, I’m going to send them to the office. Actually, that’s probably not how it’s going to go at all, but wouldn’t that be cool? I so have absolute power.
Can anyone tell why I haven’t been blogging lately?… Hope you enjoyed a completely random conglomoration of thoughts.
What is this life but a passionate engagement?... 