Honestly, I have no idea if I’ll end up publishing this post or not. Seeing as how I “broke up” with my blog nearly six months, it’s a little awkward to just start writing again in true Jessi fashion…

I had a pretty stark realization Friday morning. I was with my students at Club 121, and our agenda for the morning was to spend time praying together. We sat in a circle in a dimly lit room, and together entered the throne room. As the students were praying, I began to ask God to reveal things to me. I’ve been at a… disconnect with myself for quite sometime, and a few weeks ago, I finally made the decision to begin fighting for my spirit. Things have come up, closets opened, my heart laid bare, and the other night I began to realize that I was sad- just sad. And I didn’t fully know why. I’ve been trying to be nakedly honest with God in all this- no more pretending, because that doesn’t get either of us anywhere. So I told him I was sad. And I told him again at Club that I’m just sad. And I don’t know what to do with it. For the first time in a long time, I heard a response. The still, small voice said, “You’re mourning the death of your expectations…”

I don’t remember the last time a word “stopped me in my tracks” like this. I had no idea- no idea that this is what’s been underlying for such a long time. Here I am, sad in my selfishness, because the expectations that I had for myself haven’t been met. And that’s not a bad thing- it’s just the truth. I have a good life- a great life, and I really mean that- but I had ideas, plans, hopes… and for the most part, those have gone unmet, unrealized. I didn’t see that my spirit has been mourning them, refusing to allow them to die so that new ideas, plans, and hopes can be built and realized. And this morning, it hit- I need to mourn the death of my expectations to allow myself to fully engage in what the Lord wants to do now.

So, I will be sad, I will mourn, but I will survive. One of the biggest things that I have learned in life is that we have to go through the winter, allowing things to die, so that we can more fully experience the rebirth of spring. So I will go through the winter in expectation that the Lord has great plans for the spring.

It’s good to know I serve the God of life abundant…