total crap


Dear Blog,

If we’re being honest with each other, we know this has been a long time coming.  It’s not you- it’s me.  Quite frankly, I just can’t keep up with your demands, and I feel like I’m disappointing everyone in our lives.  At first, everthing was so new, so exciting, and I loved spending time with you.  But things have changed for me.  I know you’ve stayed the same, patiently waiting for me to pay attention to you and being loyal, but I just can’t do it anymore.  I mean, I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.  We can still be friends, but the truth is, I can’t maintain the commitment level we had at the beginning of our relationship.  I hope you won’t shut down on me after all we’ve been through, and we can still see each other occasionally.  I think we both need some time apart, so I’m going to take a trip to give us both some recovery time.  So, thanks for always being so great.  I’ll miss you from time to time, but I know we’ll meet again.

Sincerely,

Jessi

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Yes, I’m aware that I suck at blogging lately, but give me two weeks.  Then my first semester of grad school is over and I’ll have a life for a month and I’ll be able to entertain your reading eyes again.  But don’t get used to it.  Because I do have to go back to school the beginning of June…

ANYWAY-   I’m watching TV, and a commercial comes on and the spokesperson declares the product to be “more fun that you can shake a stick at.”

Can anyone explain what the crap that means?…

random lady to an employee in the shoe section of Nordstroms-  “Excuse me, are these the croc flip flops?”

employee- “Yes, maam.”

random lady- “Now, are these one size fits all?…”

huh?  as my mom stated, yes- you put them in hot water and they shrink, or you put them in cold water and they expand…  who asks a question like that?

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
– – – –
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you f **king kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s** t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Dear Wendi,

Thank you for saying what women everywhere are thinking. You’re my new hero.

Sincerely,

Jessi

To all my single ladies, I have the solution. For those of you who think “something must be wrong with me!” or “if I could only lose that 5 pounds!” or “it must be my plastic unicorn collection!” it’s time to learn the error of our ways! How, you ask? By together asking ourselves the question…

if-men.jpg

Why didn’t I think of that? It must just be about being able to “catch” the right one!!!! I can’t believe I’ve been approaching this all wrong the entire time! From now on, you’ll find me at the bus station. Waiting to catch my man. Since that is my role and all. And because men are like buses, right?…

(*this is an actual book offered by the local Christian bookstore in the “single living” section… anyone notice the other titles around it? getting serious about getting married… what to do until love finds you… how to avoid the 10 mistakes single women make… sassy, single, and satisfied… single and loving it!… if anyone asks why Christian women tend to struggle with being satisfied in singleness, i’m pointing them to the single living section where singleness is made to look like a disease that needs to be cured or something that we have to work our way out of. and then i’m going to go read something that tells me about my selfworth. like the Bible. not sassy, single, and satisfied. i hate you, single living section.)

*EDIT- In case you’re curious, I wasn’t actually looking for a book in the single living section.  I was pointing out the ridiculous book titles to my mom.  Not parusing the shelves.  Just making fun of them.  I promise.  You can ask my mom…

today’s a half day

i only have each class for 11 minutes

why are we even having class

oh well still a half day

iiiiiiiiiiii want to cut my hair off…

I can’t believe I’m about to say this…

WHY IS SCHOOL CANCELLED AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GOING STIR CRAZY IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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