Honestly, I have no idea if I’ll end up publishing this post or not. Seeing as how I “broke up” with my blog nearly six months, it’s a little awkward to just start writing again in true Jessi fashion…
I had a pretty stark realization Friday morning. I was with my students at Club 121, and our agenda for the morning was to spend time praying together. We sat in a circle in a dimly lit room, and together entered the throne room. As the students were praying, I began to ask God to reveal things to me. I’ve been at a… disconnect with myself for quite sometime, and a few weeks ago, I finally made the decision to begin fighting for my spirit. Things have come up, closets opened, my heart laid bare, and the other night I began to realize that I was sad- just sad. And I didn’t fully know why. I’ve been trying to be nakedly honest with God in all this- no more pretending, because that doesn’t get either of us anywhere. So I told him I was sad. And I told him again at Club that I’m just sad. And I don’t know what to do with it. For the first time in a long time, I heard a response. The still, small voice said, “You’re mourning the death of your expectations…”
I don’t remember the last time a word “stopped me in my tracks” like this. I had no idea- no idea that this is what’s been underlying for such a long time. Here I am, sad in my selfishness, because the expectations that I had for myself haven’t been met. And that’s not a bad thing- it’s just the truth. I have a good life- a great life, and I really mean that- but I had ideas, plans, hopes… and for the most part, those have gone unmet, unrealized. I didn’t see that my spirit has been mourning them, refusing to allow them to die so that new ideas, plans, and hopes can be built and realized. And this morning, it hit- I need to mourn the death of my expectations to allow myself to fully engage in what the Lord wants to do now.
So, I will be sad, I will mourn, but I will survive. One of the biggest things that I have learned in life is that we have to go through the winter, allowing things to die, so that we can more fully experience the rebirth of spring. So I will go through the winter in expectation that the Lord has great plans for the spring.
It’s good to know I serve the God of life abundant…
November 12, 2007 at 11:55 pm
Hey Jess,
I just happened to click on your link today and what do you know-I found new insights from you! I am sad that you are sad but I think what you are saying is so poetic and true. I had never really thought about it in that way before but I believe I go thru these “seasons” alot too-probably more than I even realize. Well said and well done to you for being still long enough to listen to our Heavenly Father. Miss you, Jen
November 27, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Hey, I really appreciated your addition to the worship Sunday. You sounded great, and I’m not just saying that to be nice.
December 13, 2007 at 10:19 am
Jess,
. I love reading what you have to say. You say the things that I’m thinking sometimes…I just don’t know how to put them into words as beautifully as that.
Will you promise me that you will write a book someday
I know I’ve been through seasons in my life where I had to do some serious mourning over unfulfilled expectations (heck-I’m there right now). I can honestly say that this is not the life I thought I would have at the ripe old age of 28…but it’s a good life
. For me, it was a matter of giving up on all of the things that are out of my control & letting go of the hope that I could somehow change those things with the “right” circumstances. Sometimes we want change so badly that we devise a “plan of attack” for the kind of change we want to see. We work so hard, but don’t see the kind of results we want. We tell ourselves we can control this area of our lives-but we can’t! At least that’s what it was like for me.
I’m not very good at being patient with my misery, but maybe that’s what God is allowing me to see in times like this. Just because this life is not what I thought it was going to be does not mean that GOD doesn’t have a plan! I have to believe that His plan goes beyond my wildest dreams. My weakness comes with the whole “waiting patiently” thing-ha!
April 22, 2008 at 10:23 am
Darn,darn,darn..
Just discovered your blog and you’ve not written in it for three months. Please keep going Jess, it’s great stuff and beautifully written.