In August last year, I attended the pilgrimage with my church, Jacob’s Well. It was a time and place set aside for us to seek the Lord, both individually and corporately. In the month leading up to it, I was so excited to go. I even postponed my Korea trip so that I could attend. Then, a few days before, I started dreading it. I absolutely didn’t want to go. I guess I knew I had some things that needed to be dealt with, even though I didn’t know what they were, and I knew it would be hard. And I was right. At the end, during the closing service, I stood up and shared, through tears, what the Lord was doing. For a long time, I had been “maintaining” the tower that I’d built called my life. I had been filling in cracks that showed up, pulling up weeds, putting things back where I thought they belonged when they fell… And I realized that weekend that the Lord was calling me to step away from the tower and into His arms where we would watch the tower that I had built with my own hands crumble into the pile of rubble that it should be. And we would then start again, only this time, He would be the builder. At that point, all I could do was stand in His arms, look at the destruction, and cry.
Then I left for Korea. Then I came home and had a bunch of photography things to take care of. Then I started teaching. Then my cousin died. Then I enrolled in masters classes. Then D-Now season with No Longer Quiet started again. And then came March 10th…
I spent the weekend in Jefferson City at a D-Now, leading an amazing group of 10th grade girls. The theme was “Gimme God” and we talked about what it means to stop trying to run from God and what it looks like to trust Him. Saturday night, I gave my testimony of the last few months and the things I’ve been going through with Abbie’s death. I talked about how after her accident, I wanted nothing more than to flip God the bird and tell Him that I wasn’t interested anymore, but how He was so patient, so faithful. I read Psalm 73:26- My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. And I told them the truth- we will fail, but God will be our strength. I shared my story because someone there really needed to hear it. And again, I shared through tears. Only this time, the tears didn’t stop.
After the service, I sat and talked with Melissa and Chris, and fought. I fought the tears. I fought the exhaustion. I fought the emotions that were desperate to be released. I fought allowing myself to feel what I’ve needed to feel for 7 months. I kept saying, “I don’t want to do this!”
Then I quit fighting. I let the things that I didn’t even realize were inside out. I finally gave up, and I realized that for 7 months, I’ve been standing among the rubble with the pieces still in my hands, scared to walk away. When Melissa asked me what I felt like God was asking me to move towards, I realized that I didn’t know, which is why it seemed easier to just stay where I was, holding onto what no longer existed, but what I had known for so long to be. Turns out it’s not easier after all.
Now it’s time for the journey to begin to a new land with a new Builder. I still don’t know where we’re going, and I still don’t know what He’ll build, but I know that now, at least I can turn away from the pieces and begin to walk. It may be a slow journey in the beginning, but my traveling partner has all the patience in the world…
